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| so i was here checking out someone else's profile and i decided to read some of my old entries. good lord i was such a downer back in the day. seriously. but i guess it makes sense. i've been a lot happier and content since i decided not to go to school. i guess when you are trying to make everyone else happy besides yourself you end up writing depressing shit in weblogs. ha.
anyways, life is good. work sucks right now, but it'll get better. either at barlouie or i'll move to the pub. regardless i'm a hard worker and a smart fella so they won't be able to keep me down. women are strange as always, but i'm an optimist and still have high hopes for their gender.
taco bell sounds good right about now.
t.m. | | |
| ok well i'm just doing this because there's some stuff on my site that i want to save. so that's the only reason i'm posting. who knows maybe i'll start this up again...
t.m. | | |
| well i just got off the phone with casi and i really can't sleep, i'm kinda in this mood so i guess i'll just write in here. a lot is going on right now. it all kinda seems surreal sometimes, and not really in a good way. to those of you who don't know (assuming anyone still reads) i recently got fired from friday's i now serve at chili's which i enjoy, but i don't think it's gonna be enough money. i dunno, i guess if hershey can do it then i should be able to as well. but it really hurts going from $100 a night to $45 or so. but i guess i'll be ok. always am sort of.
i really shouldn't still be up, i have to get up at 8 so i can babysit kirsten for casi so she can go to work. but oh well, i'll probably just sleep when i get there. i've been getting this feeling of not going anywhere with my life again. i don't really see any changes for me in the next year, or the year after that, or the year after that. it feels like i'm always gonna be serving or something, always gonna be sweating about my money, always gonna be half assing at getting back in school. i say i want to be a psychologist, but it seems so far away and so massively unnatainable. in all reality i'll probably settle down with casi long before i can do that, and by then other priorites will take over.
i'm a poet who barely writes. i have so many of these great ideas, and i just don't take the time to sit down and articulate them. instead i watch movies i've already seen, and t.v. shows i don't care about. i look at someone like dan or john and i wonder what is the big difference between them and i. what makes them so able and driven to pursue their desires and dreams and passions, and me so lethargic about it all. it's not like i don't have any dreams, it's not like i don't have any talents, i have an overflow of both. there are literally a dozen carears i would be perfectly happy with for the rest of my life, and i would be very good at all of them. there just seems to be this wall that i constantly come up against. and the worst part is that i always put it there. fridays, i can blame anyone i want about that, but the truth is that just as things started to get really good for me there, i went and fucked it up. probably the same will happen at chili's.
i've become so involved in my ideas, so obsessed with how great they are or how fun it is in comming up with them, that i'm nearly incapable of seeing any of them to thruition. looking back i'm strained to think of one idea that i had that i followed through without being pushed by necessity or some person. even my best writing was primaily produced for creative writing class in my junior year.
i see my life going nowhere and feel powerless to do anything about it. sometimes i'll sit down to write or read, and more than every i just get sidetracked. i can't hold thoughts like i used to. it's more difficult now for me to memorize materials. i was helping casi study for her new job at cadilac jack's and i realised that after we were done i didn't remember anything that we went over. were i at the point where i was in highschool i would've been able to ace her test for her.
the only way in which i'm growing is more stale.
whatever...
t.m. | | |
| well i know pretty much no one reads my xanga anymore, but if you are
seeing this and know me, this is amazingly important. i have found the
ultimate, for fans of numa and tunak and starwars kid, everything is in
this. try to stop laughing.
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/2006/08/angry-german-kid-vs-numa-numa.html
t.m.
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| well have nothing else to do, so i guess i'll write in this hyar mah.
yeah, i guess a lot has gone down since last time i wrote in here, but
i can all be summed up by hanging out, drinking, chillin with casi, and
working (not necessarily in that order.)
recently though we did have a schweet party over at my house. pretty
much the only person missing was deis (though dan didn't get to come
either.) damn, just a shit ton of fun really. kinda made me realise how
much of a shell i've retracted into. there is so much going on with so
many of my friends that i didn't even know about. john's job at ak
steel, q's new house (close to us!!!!) all that shyt. think ima gonna
try to start calling them all once in a while see if we can catch up.
i guess i always hated being the one making all the calls and all that
shit, but i'd rather make all the calls than not know anything about my
friends.
but yeah, anyways bout that there party. wow, within the first five
minutes dawn had already spilt a six pack of bud light. (that's right a
six pack) so she had to take the first sober party foul shot. then
about five minutes later she took the second sober shot, ha then bout
five min after that i took the third (damn sparks.) and SHIT,
people got DRUNK. hershey and los dancing shirtless in the wa ho
parking lot. dawn's box of tampons literally exploding INSIDE wa ho.
dawn passing out on my bed. too much shit to tell really. but it was
mos def a blast.
and dawn, if you're reading this, remember; I AM THE ONE WITH ALL OF THE PORK CHOPS!!
t.m.
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